i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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