I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i wish my penis had a tongue
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
