Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
