Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
