I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
