At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
