ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I wish I only lived at night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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