Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
