Umm I'm too high to move.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
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Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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