all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize