She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
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I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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