Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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