I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
