Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
