just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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