The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
