My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
