I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i think i have two assholes
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
