Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
