how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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