I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dick very happy bro
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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