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Pappa wants mamma naked
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
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