Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm