my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."