I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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