I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize