Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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