I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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