You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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