He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Holy shit dude........stairs
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