I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
