M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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