did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
