there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
