There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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