My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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