he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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