you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
