Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize