Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
