Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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