You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
jump out the window naked night went bad
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
