I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
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I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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