Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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