so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
