pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
