walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
