would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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