When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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