Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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