I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
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Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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