I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
