i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize