You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
