Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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