I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
